What’s to plan?

“If you get tired, learn how to rest- Not quit.” -Banksy

I am so so tired.
So tired of explaining how tired I am. How broken, worn down, absolutely crushed I am. How much of the person I use to be, that I no longer am. How many dreams I just don’t care about anymore. How many hopes I had that I really have no faith in anymore.

I haven’t wrote in what feels like forever. I have a lot to say, but really, what is the point? It’s not getting me anywhere and my complaining isn’t helping anyone. So I have just decided to be quiet.
I pull away from people. I seclude myself and make myself smaller so people don’t notice me. Because then maybe that negativity I feel won’t rub off on them, maybe my bad luck will pass them by. I don’t want to bring anymore people down with me than I already have.

It’s hard.
To look forward to, well, anything.
I spent every dime I had on that RV, I maxed out my credit card- and I had so many plans. It is the one thing I have looked forward to since Charlie died. I was on my way to making my dreams come true; and yet… here I am.

People keep asking me what I plan to do next.
I have no idea. Truly.
How do you plan for the future, when you don’t want to be alive today?

It’s hard to plan for the future when so much of you has died and you don’t even know who you are anymore. When the parts you were trying to nurture and grow were set ablaze along with everything you owned. When the parts of you that you thought helped others, doesn’t even help yourself anymore. When the constant stream of positivity doesn’t make you feel positive anymore and it’s all a muddied mess now.
It’s hard to feel positive most days. It’s hard to feel whole. It’s hard to just… feel.

I struggle the most with my identity.
I am 30yrs old and have no idea who I am. What I am. Where I want to be. What I want to do.. No idea.
Until a year ago I was a mom. That’s not what I am anymore. (Save the semantics, please.)
Until a year ago I was certain I would have a clear path, motherhood. I knew everything that I did with purpose, was for Charlie’s greater good. For Charlie to have a better life.
Until a year ago I KNEW that everything I did was for a specific purpose and that was always, always; Charlie.

As a teen I didn’t plan my life ahead. I wanted to be a teacher, but I never planned anything else. Because I knew I would be dead by 18. Then 18 came and I freak out because I’m still alive and don’t have a plan. So I go to hair school, then the army. But no need in planning any further because I’ll be dead by 21.
I didn’t know much of anything other than I just KNEW I was going to take my own life, one way or the other- I knew that was my outcome. So I didn’t plan.

Then Charlie came along and saved my life. So, I started planning.
I planned to fight harder than ever before because now I had a daughter. I had someone that needed me every single day. I planned to work harder than I ever have to ensure she had a good life and was happy and healthy.
I planned for a long life with trips to the mall for dresses for the school dances, and late nights doing facials and makeup. I planned for big birthday parties and a sweet 16. For a license and driving, for the first big boyfriend and the dreaded heartbreak to follow. I planned for a high school graduation then college. I planned for a life with my daughter as my best friend and lots of laughs and memories. (I also planned for the very big and loud personality Charlie undoubtably had.)
Until a year ago I planned.

And now I’m here. Broke without a plan at all.
And really, I have no idea where to start. I really don’t even want to. I don’t have the energy to continue to fight if I were to lose much more.
But I can’t exactly just sit in this same spot for the rest of my life. I just wish I knew how to do this. Any of it. I wish I knew how to pick myself up and be the same person I was before. But I just don’t know how.

But maybe that’s the point of all of this.
This is not my destruction, this is my rebirth.

I just wish it didn’t hurt so bad.

Charlie, guide me on my way.

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