Some people think that when I say “I’m a lot”- that I am talking about myself negatively.
But- I’m not.
Sometimes it’s hard being so self aware. To know these things about yourself and then learn how to love them slowly. In a world that tells you who you are isn’t okay. It isn’t good enough- or fuck- too much.
And that is what I am doing. Learning to love myself in all my flaws. All my crazy.

I am a lot of a person, and that’s okay.
I can’t play it cool. I can’t play it mysterious. I wear my heart on my sleeve and give love to everyone I know.
I’m intense and serious. I give my all to everything in my life.
Even when I can’t give it to myself at times. But I’m learning that it’s okay to love who I am. To embrace myself and all my “a lot-ness”. Because those who love me- love me for exactly who and what I am.

I crumbled openly- I will rebuild openly.
My story will and does help many people.
That is what gets me through- helping other people.

But I’m also learning that I have to give to myself, too.
The happiness, the healing, the love and commitment that I give every other relationship in my life.
I try to give people their “flowers” when I can. To make sure they know that even a small portion- they meant something to me.
Even if just for a short time- everything and everyone holds a place in my heart.
That is both a blessing and a curse; but a burden I’ll bear willingly.
I’m learning that I deserve flowers, too.

Because life is worth all of the things we go through.
It’s the human experience- especially the shitty parts. At this point ya’ll know me pretty well- and life fucking sucks, lol.
But I’m learning to love even the sucky parts- because that’s where my healing has come from.

I checked out of that relationship months ago.After years and years of off and on and back and forth. I had had enough. Of everything.
It wasn’t always him- I’m not blinded by my sadness to think I’m innocent here.
I have my issues. We just… didn’t work.
We tried. And fought. And loved. And laughed. And screamed. And cried.
But we didn’t work. No matter how much we both wanted us to. Sometimes him more than I-
it’s just how it was sometimes. After so long you grow tired of things never changing. Of having two completely different view points.
We didn’t work. But we had a lot of good times, too. He gave me my daughter.
The greatest reason of all.
We just didn’t work.

And it was selfish of me to expect him to heal in the same ways I have and continue to do.
It’s no longer my business what he does or how he does it.
Hurt? Shit yea I was hurt. But more so over the finality of everything. (And a comment that was made.)
No more trying. No more fighting. No more making up.
But even bigger- no more friendship. He was my best friend (and mainly only one for a lot of it) for 14 years. No more conversations. No more laughs.
But we just didn’t work.
And that’s okay. We’re both allowed to do this however we need to do it.
We share something that no one else does- Charlie. And because of her, I will always wish him the best.
I hope that he is able to find what he is looking for in life;
in every single way. I hope the love and happiness he seeks is enough to make him happy and feel like he is enough.
He doesn’t owe me happiness, love, respect or anything anymore- but I owe him my love.
He’s taught me a lot of things the last 14 years. One of them being the love a mother can have.
The other being self love- and that is why I left.

I don’t know the reason for anything in life.
But I do know that almost everything has it’s lessons. Whether we want to accept that lesson or if we want to continue to run from it-
it will show us that lesson eventually.
This lesson took a long time to learn- but I’m here.
And I am so grateful. For every single year it took me.
I wouldn’t be the person I am today without them. All of them.
All the bad moments that I could have let define me as a person.
Those bad feelings I could have let destroy me completely.
Those bad things I was told and made to believe- could have killed me.
But they didn’t.
I appreciate all the lessons, all the love, all the bad, and all the good in between.
I will never regret him, our life together or the years we spent together.
They were all lessons for something else in life.

But;
I deserve flowers, too.